Light House Stories: 

Part 1: “In search of a light house” 

Lately I have been in a massive depression that started from when I lived in California. Sometime in the middle of February 2016, I woke up in a hospital bed and my friends told me I fainted the day before. It was unprecedented! For the first-time in my life I completely lost myself. I truly did not know what to do and how to solve this complex problem in life. Like in other situations, I tried every possible way and I realized the more I try, the more complicated it gets. Finally, I reached out to an expert and he recommended me to take depression pills. After buying the pills, I asked myself, do I really need these or not? I spend a few days thinking: should I surrender myself with some man-made chemical pills? Maybe the problem was apparent and it was obvious in my life. Maybe it was an act of higher powers that was controlling my mind. 

I left California to review my values in life and walk in the corridors of my school in Bangladesh to redefine myself. I tried to figure out who I am and what I want to do in my life. I decided to overcome this challenge with knowledge and came back to the US with a new job in Cincinnati. I spent my whole summer reading books and trying to understand if there was any correlation with some mysterious events in my life. At some stage, I realized that we really have no control over our life. It is just how it is. I believe this world is beautiful place and we have so many things to learn from each other. I attended a TedEx show at Stanford on how important it is to have pain in life in order to feel happy. It was very inspiring. 

One of my best friends told me that every single person who comes to your life is a ‘Teacher’. You will learn from them. Certainly I have found that to be true. A large number of people have come into my life and went away, some of them I didn’t want to hold onto, but some of them I wanted to hold onto desperately. One thing I confirmed is that we can’t really plan our life. Most of it is beyond of our control. One of the nicest things is that I got familiar with some amazing writers that focus on spirituality. Anne Lemott and Carla Mclaren were two of them. 

In one of the books, Anne Lemont wrote: “You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”

I started to find out the root causes of my anxieties, fears that are holding me back to move forward. I think it all started when I failed to get something I desperately wanted. Our anger develops from the failures and rejections. I also realize that when I am at the bottom, I am the most powerful. I can rebuild again. When you completely give up and you feel broken beyond repair, you allow yourself to be rebuilt again stronger than ever before. It’s a magical moment because when you lose hope, you allow the universe to take over. You have no other choice, but to allow the Divine Power to rebuild your life. Allowing is very powerful, but very difficult to follow. Giving up is easy, allowing yourself to be rebuilt is much harder. 

Once Anne Lamott said: 

"Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining" 

Sometimes I feel like life is a journey and someone took my little hurricane lamp from my boat to enlighten his/her boat, but again it may be the act of a higher power to see my strength. That’s why I am in search of a light house. I put my hopes very low in this world and started to feel happy again. All the fallen leaves in the Bellevue hill park tell me how lucky I am to have such a long life. The leaves come to this world just for a season. When I look back at my childhood, I feel so happy and thankful. I am a little lost but I am still grateful to this world and for my beautiful life.

Disclaimer: with the word ‘light house’ I don’t mean any human. It is an imaginary destination of my life.]

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Mahmud

2nd November 2016

Cincinnati OH

USA 

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